Ugh.

• So sick of hanging up on people with my face when I call them on my cell phone.
• I need to find a headset so I can complain about something else.
• My email everything electronic is totally freakin hosed.
• I didn’t realize, until I broke down last night in a puddle of tears, how much stress I am under – I feel pretty stupid.
• I have had the overwhelming desire to smoke the last few days.
• I’ve resisted, don’t worry.
• I have had super-vivid dreams the last 6 nights, to the point that my sleep is almost totally restless.
• I’m not sure the concealer can hide the bags any more.
• Heck, I’m not even sure I’m going to try.

Sorry about the pitty party. I’m having kind of a rough go. Change is super hard…

[Edited to add: I kicked something and my toe really freakin hurts - this may be the straw people.]

I’d forgotten to mention that I have my follow-up appointment today. It was originally set for a little over a week ago, but I was having an especially bad day week so I decided not to go. I’m not looking forward to this – I’m still not 100% emotionally – so it’s going to be hard.

I don’t really hate pregnant women…I just hate their functional uterus…see, it’s nothing personal

Yesterday, I saw an updated picture of her and I am still breathless.

Today, I’m processing my emotions.

Today, I’m trying not to lose my cool and cry.

Today, I am trying to be thankful for the little things.

Today is the day after I finally broke down and made  a comment on M’s Facebook status, because she asked something I felt I could answer without being all mom-like and creating a difficult “who the hell is this woman!?” situation for her and her friends.

Today, I’m struggling because she’s growing up without me and it was never supposed to be this way.

The alarm goes off.

Old man gets out of bed.

I get up, turn off my alarm, set to go off in just over an hour.

7:15 rolls around and the kid knocks on my door, “mom, I don’t feel as bad as I did yesterday, can I go to school today?”. I groan, roll over, look at the clock and croak, “no, the bus already ran – so you’re still sick!”.

I’m sure to win the Mother of The Year award this year, I’m sure of it!

I don’t do a whole lot of emotional adoption related blogging here – but, here we go.

Grrrrrr

I can’t be more open than that…I’ll get in trouble