Our Life In The Desert » Family Life

Have you missed me at all?

Brandy — Thu, 12 Jan 2012 04:25:26 +0000

I’m not coming back here. It’s no longer “Our Life” and we aren’t in the “Desert” — but I am working on the acquisition on a new home for me, so I can write and lament and cause trouble.

I’m doing well. I really am.

I’ve met someone. We’re working thru the bumps, but overall, it’s going really well.

He put a ring on it in December.

Texas has been the salve I needed to heal from 11 years of emotional abuse — or at least start to heal — but it’s time to move on. The new beau, his name is Jimmy, is from Mississippi and we’re making plans to head out that way in a month or so and set up housekeeping on some land he has there.

It’s a new adventure and I’m game.

Anyway — I’m doing well. I know some of you have wondered and I am happy to report, I got over it. I got over him. I was able to move past it and I was able to find myself.

I’ll be sure and post again once I’ve finalized my new ‘home’ on the web.

I just kind of felt like writing…

Brandy — Fri, 05 Aug 2011 02:13:52 +0000

I’ve been sitting here for like 10 minutes trying to decide what to title this post. Then I just decided to start writing and I figured, eventually, it would come to me. It’s probably going to be a list post, because it seems to make more sense considering I’ll be touching on a wide-range of topics.

I finally went to California and got all of my stuff. Somehow, Teresa (an awesome friend of mine from high school that went with me) and I managed to play a mad game of Human Tetris and get everything loaded into a 17 ft. UHaul truck. It’s funny to think about the fact that just two months before, we played the same game in Mesa and used a 26 ft. truck.
The UHaul truck they gave me was so filthy and covered in dead bugs that when I got into it to leave on Monday afternoon, it was infested with ants. Ants that tried to eat me alive while I drove. Ants that caused at least three infected spots on my legs and a whole shit-ton of blisters all over my chest and neck. Even ant spray wouldn’t kill the little monsters.
This morning, when I went to get into the UHaul to back it up so we could unload the bed — the ants were still there.
I’m enjoying, very much, having my ‘space’ here at my dads. I think it really helps us be able to communicate better.
He calls me on my cell phone when he needs me :p
As we were driving through New Mexico, the AC in my car stopped working — thankfully, by the time we got to the dealership and they got in it to see what the deal was, it started working again. Diagnosis: It was frozen
Jerrett got enrolled in school today. He’s become so hard to live with that even getting him to go do that was like pulling teeth.
I had hoped to have more ‘back-up’ in the parenting department — but it looks like that’s probably not going to happen, sadly.
I’ve got Dr.’s appointments every day next week, except Thursday. One in Dallas, two in Ft. Worth and one in Decatur.
The oncologist wanted to start me on a medication last week, but I was afraid of the side effects and the impact they might have on my ability to complete my trip to California — so I waited until the day I got home to start them. You may have seen my post on Facebook about shaking like a Parkinson’s patient — I’m still doing it and it’s annoying as hell. Couple that with the requirement to complete a half a ream of paperwork today to enroll Jerrett in school and you get the idea.
I officially write like an old person.
I did some research today on the type of cancer they are telling me I have — I really, really should NOT have done that. I realize, from personal experience, that the info you get on the internet is often one-sided and bleak — but I was reading actual medical websites, so I don’t know. All I know is that Tuesday can’t get here fast enough.
Even with my new sleeping meds, reduction of caffeine intake and regular exercise, I am still only getting about 3-4 hours of sleep per night, which is good I guess — if you consider I went four days without even an hour of sleep the week before last, then regularly got 1-2 hours of sleep after that. Eh, I don’t know.
I went to a concert with some friends last Friday — that was a ton of fun. Still trying to get used to the whole sitting around drinking water while everyone else is drunk thing — but it’ll get easier.
There’s a new Facebook Group where people are sharing their memories of my home town (Boyd, TX) and it’s a ton of fun to read some of the stuff.
The only clothes I have now that fit are some old Levi’s — everything else is so big it looks like a tarp when I wear it. That’s super frustrating and super fantastic all at the same time.
My to-do list is looking more and more manageable these days. I have really put a lot of focus into getting things done so that I can do some ‘me’ stuff after school starts and not worry about having to complete a whole ton of things in order to make it happen.
I sure am thankful for my friend Misty — she lets me talk about death and dying and she doesn’t make me feel like an ass for doing it. She lets me be real and being real is important to me right now.

So — that about does it I think. I’ve had a lot going in the last three months — some I touched on, some I didn’t. I just felt the need to write tonight, so what you see is what you get

Protected: You failed, again

Brandy — Mon, 18 Jul 2011 14:10:37 +0000

I just need to kind of unload a little this morning…

Brandy — Sun, 17 Jul 2011 15:57:00 +0000

This is the post where I let it all out — because holy crap — the stress is just about to effing do me in.

So, John and I are separated — that’s going ok, for now anyway. My immediate concerns related to medical coverage and financial help seem to be being addressed. That may or may not remain the same, I don’t know. If money weren’t such an issue, I’d have it all legalized, but it is — so there has to be a certain amount of trust involved…something I find increasingly difficult, since the new personality he adopted includes strong leanings towards lying (and infidelity, but I won’t go there).

I’m staying at my dads place, in Texas. The relationship I have with my family is rocky, at best. It’s been a hard transition made even harder by the circumstances that brought me here. I’m not talking only about my decision to distance myself from the hateful spewing of unfiltered nastiness that was going on in California — but also, the health circumstances of my stepmom.

Then there is the expectation that I will move in here and take care of my dad in a manner in which he’s accustom. That, to me, is laughable. And by laughable, I mean — it makes me cry so hard, I break down in fits of laughter.

Jerrett has turned into this unruly kid with lots of anger, resentment and frustration — but really, who can blame him? He’s mad as hell over this — so much so, he’s not answering the phone (when either of us calls) and he’s making my life a living, breathing, hell.

I had hoped to have more support in this area — unfortunately, it doesn’t appear to be important.

My stuff. Everything I own, with the exception of the clothes I managed to pack for Jerrett and I (and my laptop) is stuck in California. The cost to get it here is prohibitive at this point and even once it gets here, I don’t know what I’d do with it…storage I guess. I don’t even know.

Then there is my work. I’m either stuck in the bedroom (where I’m writing from right now) or stuck sitting, silently, in the living room, where my dad sleeps all day and night in his recliner. I’ve got no workspace and no place to concentrate. This frustration alone makes the decision to stay here incredibly difficult.

I’m discovering, more and more, that I might need to find an alternative to what I had originally thought was the plan. I’m here and I’m staying — but staying means lots of changes that have to take place. Changes that likely wont take place for months and I can’t do that.

So, I’m just kind of stuck.

I know I need to be here, rather than there. I just need to figure out how to make *here* work and at this point, I’m not having much luck.

But it’s not all bad — really. I’ve run into a lot of friends, had lunches and gone out. It’s been seriously good for me. Seriously. I’ve met new people and watched a bunch of drunk friends (very poorly) attempt to play pool and laughed. I’ve hung out in crowds and I’ve mostly been ok with that.

These are things I haven’t done in over a decade. Being married to John really altered everything about who I was…one can only sit home and do nothing for so long before you forget how to do anything else.

So, that’s where I’m at. Just trying to figure it out. Taking things one day at a time.

Yup, it’s hard. But already, good things are happening. Really good things.

The sum of everything, minus some things…

Brandy — Wed, 13 Jul 2011 09:16:40 +0000

I haven’t really updated since the hospital stay, so I thought I’d take a few and write about all that’s been going on over the last few days.

If you’re here from Twitter or Facebook, you probably already know a little about what’s going on with my family back home in Texas (where I’m writing this post from) — basically, my stepmom fell ill about a month ago, while my dad was hospitalized for health conditions of his own. While the family rallied and tried to meet her needs at home, they quickly realized that she needed more than they could offer. Ultimately, they decided (with the help from her MD) to have her admitted to the hospital, so she could be transferred to a local rehab clinic that could meet her needs until something else could be arranged.

Unfortunately, it never got that far. Upon admittance, the required blood work revealed some health issues that no one was aware of (this aside from her already debilitating arthritis and her advancing cancer, which she was getting chemo for) — and within a few days, she was transferred to a larger hospital, where she entered ICU.

Since then, her health has deteriorated to the point that the family has now made the decision to move her to Hospice Care on Thursday.

So, Jerrett and I boarded a marathon plane adventure (I don’t think I can stress how much I loathe the Wright Amendment) and arrived in Texas this afternoon to spend some time with my family.

Those of you privy to protected posts won’t be surprised to learn that there are additional factors at play here as well — all of which I’ll share in a protected post at some point in the next few days, I’m sure (You’ll need to re-request the password now, which you can do via this form).

As for my health — I’m just not really sure where that stands at this point. So basically, I was in the hospital from Friday afternoon to just before noon on Sunday. The general consensus from the Dr.’s was that I had some sort of eating misadventure — apparently, I’ve forgotten how to eat and I ate to fast. Nevermind that I didn’t get sick until 7.5 hours after I had eaten my last meal. Nevermind that what I threw up didn’t contain food. Nevermind that, even with my extremely high tolerance for pain, this pain was bringing me to my knees and it was located right where my liver is.

Nope — the liver was fine. In fact, in keeping with the tradition at USC, it appears that I might even be healed! My liver, which is so damaged it only functions at about 15% and has historically been large since this all started over two years ago is now ‘normal looking’.

Yup — normal looking.

You wonder why I question them? That is why I question them.

But not to worry — they offered to have me meet with a dietician, so I can learn to eat again…so, those pesky, drop to your knees and curl in the fetal position pains I’ve been having should be all cleared up in no time.

Did I mention, I’m totally healed?!

Ugh.

I won’t even bore you with the pictures I posted on Facebook of the 16 attempts to stick me.

So, as you can guess — my stress level is pretty high. I’ve got a lot going on (some of which I didn’t even write about) and the pain I have in my normal looking liver? Well — I still have it.

I’m also writing this post on about 4.5 hours of sleep since Sunday morning — so if none of it makes any sense — someone please tell me so I can fix it after I’ve had some sleep…or a triple espresso with a No-Doz chaser.

Tuesday can’t get here fast enough…

Brandy — Mon, 20 Jun 2011 05:21:13 +0000

John gets to come home from his first non-hitch, hitch, on the rig out to Elk Hills. We’ve talked daily about what he’s doing and what it’s like — but it’ll be nice to sit down and chat about it some, face to face. Without rushing and out of the public eye — which is how it’s been every time I’ve gone up to Taft to visit and take food and other stuff he needs.

It’s just going to be nice to have him home. Jerrett really misses him, I know. He’s not good at communicating his emotions and he’s struggled a lot over the last two weeks to let me know how he’s feeling about everything that’s going on — but the one constant has been having John come home and spend some time with him, so I want to make sure we can make that happen while he’s here. For however long he’s here — something we still don’t know.

I’ll be glad to hold his hand again. I know it sounds silly — but it grounds me and I’m really in need of some firm foundation right now.

I’m also looking forward to going into LA on Wednesday and finally getting all set up with the clinic here. I’ve got my standing orders for labs, which came with me from Phoenix, so they’ve been watching my numbers, even though I’m still not quite a patient — but it’ll be interesting to meet with Dr. Kahn and discuss his medical direction for treatment so that we can prolong the use of this liver as long as possible. I don’t know if I wrote here that he actually moved to LA a month before I did from Banner Good Sam (the same clinic I went to in Phoenix) and we actually got to meet and discuss my case before he left to come out there, but that’s the case. I gotta say, that’s a pretty great stroke of luck for me.

Plus Dr. Ramos tells me that this guy is a freakin brain trust — a savant of hepatology, in high demand no matter where he sets up shop. Don’t worry, I asked Dr. R why I got stuck with him then…he would expect nothing less. If you remember my nightmare of a hospital stay — then you’ll appreciate that his response had to do with no one else in the practice wanting to deal with me. I’ll miss joking around with him — even if I kind of felt like he dropped the ball from time to time – the man had an awesome bedside manner.

All in all, I’m not looking forward to the transplant process or getting to that point — but it’s coming, no doubt. I suspect, the first plan of action will be an updated biopsy to assess the amount of damage I’m currently dealing with. My last biopsy already indicated that I was almost in the final stage of damage — and I know from my symptoms, which I don’t really talk about all that much, that my failure is starting to progress. I struggle most with cognitive and memory issues — I also don’t sleep or eat much.

I’ve been adjusting well to the Prednisone — which I started taking again after the trial run of the other drug back in Feb/March — finally, after two months of cankles, bad skin and sheer exhaustion, I’m starting to feel a bit more normal — or as normal as I’ll ever feel, anyway.

If I had a choice, I’d stay on the Prednisone, only because I know it works and coming off of it/going back on it is miserable. I get a lot of the side effects and it usually takes me a good four to six months to get those under control…meanwhile, I’m driving everyone around me batty.

It’s a real good time.

Anyway, it’ll be good to have John home for a bit. To be able to talk to someone about the whole illness and death thing and have them get it and not be all freaked out about it. I hope we can talk about it — with everything else we have going on, it might be difficult — but right now, I just need some normal.

Even though it looks like I’ll be facing all of this alone, soon. Which reminds me — when I get my other computer back up and running, I guess I need to re-work my obit…what a pain.

Trying to do this the right way for us

Brandy — Wed, 08 Jun 2011 01:05:23 +0000

Yesterday, I was trying everything I could think of to get him to hear me, then I realized, he wasn’t going to hear me and no amount of pushing was going to make that happen — he wants out and we need to be talking about what that means for us rather than trying to force an issue that is clearly not going to happen.

Although, I must be frank — this is not what I want. Not at all.

This must be what it has felt like for him, I guess. To be forced to do something you don’t want to do to make someone else happy. One of us will inevitably have to do it and it looks like it’s me, so I need to try to make the very best of it.

For now, that means trying to create a very complicated friendship out of a very dysfunctional marriage.

We’ve been talking and trying to map out what all of this means for us and I think we both realize we’re going to be met with a lot of really stupid feedback from friends and family, but I think this is important enough to both of us, that we have to do it.

First — the hate. There is no hate. I don’t hate him, he doesn’t hate me and I don’t think either of us is going to stand for the side-choosing hate-festing that tends to happen when a marriage breaks apart. Friends and family, you either need to love and support us or get to steppin. We’ve got plenty to worry about without having to deal with the drama

Second — the “D” word. We haven’t talked about it that much. I don’t remember what he told his parents — he may have used the word divorce, it’s all kind of a blur — but for now, there are no immediate plans for us to divorce. We’ve got a lot of silly personal complications that make this a good option for us. We’re running with it. For now, we’re separated — mostly sort of.

Third — he isn’t moving out. Yeah, you read that right. We’re separated and its hard for me to go into details about what all of that means without getting super-personal, so I won’t — but basically, we’ve decided to try to be best friends who live together, have a kid together and file taxes together. Again, I ask that you support us as we try to do what we think will work best for us.

It’s complicated, I know — so much of this is going to be fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants for us. This is mainly why I’m trying to blog about it — you hear so much about people who hate and loathe and fight and legal wrangle and make a big huge mess of things and I think John and I both want to avoid that and I want to write because I think if we can, people may be interested in how we do it.

Or not.

Bottom line for us — we’re going through a lot right now and neither of us wants to lose our best friend in the process. We both ask that our friends and family stand behind our decisions, not judge us and keep an open mind as we both try to figure out what is best for us — because at the end of the day, we’re the ones that have to live with our decisions, not you guys.

There is absolutely no reason why this can’t work.

It’s setting in, I guess…

Brandy — Mon, 06 Jun 2011 12:40:08 +0000

This morning, I woke up feeling hopeless, helpless and alone. I keep trying to talk to him, but he doesn’t hear me. I keep hoping he’ll turn a corner and we’ll be able to focus on the important things, but he’s fighting that.

He has pushed me away and last night he held me at arms length, unwilling to even discuss the issue. I ask, I try — he replies with ‘I don’t know how to answer that question’ or ‘I don’t have an answer for you’.

I am hurt and scared.

I am alone, without friends or family in a place that is unfamiliar. Last night, after all this ‘started’, we went to his dad’s house for dinner. The expectation was that I would suck it up and pretend everything was fine. At one point, after him saying such hurtful and hateful things to me just hours earlier, he expected me to hold his hand.

I don’t know what to do, so I sit here and cry and the crying doesn’t help, it only gives me a headache.

I am fighting a battle I can not win against an enemy in which I can not compete.

I love him and I want to fight for him…but he doesn’t seem to want me to.

I am crushed.

We’ve moved, he wants to move on

Brandy — Mon, 06 Jun 2011 03:57:46 +0000

Well — we’re moved.

I’m not sure how I feel about it.

I’m sitting here in our tiny apartment having just had the ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ talk for the second time in a week with John — he’s not happy and he’s not giving me any hope that we have a future.

I’m devastated. I keep trying to tell him it’s the change — we need to slow down and focus — he seems unwilling and I’m not sure what that means for us.

Just three days ago, he was so loving and caring and warm…today he said the most hurtful and mean things to me.

He said the ‘asshole’ is who he is and that’s who he wants to be and that makes me so sad.

He’s drinking to much — way to much — but it’s his attempt to self medicate and I can understand that.

I don’t know what to do. I am alone. Scared. Sad — I love him more than I can even express — but he’s further away from me now than he was for the nine weeks he was gone and he’s just in the next room.

What am I going to do without him…part of me is dying inside.

Be back in just over a week

Brandy — Mon, 23 May 2011 12:57:19 +0000

I know I didn’t blog much last week — I have good reason, I was packing and cleaning so that this week, I could relax in preparation for our move next week.

Yes folks, we made it. There are just a few days left until John comes home and then we start the mad dash of doing the few things left around the house, coupled with preparing to load the truck and drive to Bakersfield a week from today.

As for me? I did tons of work over the last week — all of which allows me the time to sit around, catch up on my ‘stories’ (haha) and relax with my feet up…because all that hard work I did packing? I’ve got to undo it all and unpack all over again, so a week-long rest period is in order.

I’ll be checking in on Twitter. You’ll still see me post on Facebook. But I’m not going to post on the blog — at least, I don’t have plans to.

So, wish us luck and I’ll see you in a little over a week.

Unless I see you on Twitter or Facebook…then you may not even realize I’m not here