Our Life In The Desert » Blogging

Have you missed me at all?

Brandy — Thu, 12 Jan 2012 04:25:26 +0000

I’m not coming back here. It’s no longer “Our Life” and we aren’t in the “Desert” — but I am working on the acquisition on a new home for me, so I can write and lament and cause trouble.

I’m doing well. I really am.

I’ve met someone. We’re working thru the bumps, but overall, it’s going really well.

He put a ring on it in December.

Texas has been the salve I needed to heal from 11 years of emotional abuse — or at least start to heal — but it’s time to move on. The new beau, his name is Jimmy, is from Mississippi and we’re making plans to head out that way in a month or so and set up housekeeping on some land he has there.

It’s a new adventure and I’m game.

Anyway — I’m doing well. I know some of you have wondered and I am happy to report, I got over it. I got over him. I was able to move past it and I was able to find myself.

I’ll be sure and post again once I’ve finalized my new ‘home’ on the web.

Taking a blogging break — at least from here

Brandy — Sun, 21 Aug 2011 22:07:09 +0000

Heya everyone.

Thank you all so much for your emails, cards, tweets and IM’s — they mean the world to me.

I’m doing okay. Really. But — because of everything that is going on, I feel that it’s necessary that I take a sabbatical from writing here on the blog. Unfortunately, even the protected posts I write aren’t really ‘safe’ and I need ‘safe’ right now.

So — watch for updates from me regarding current events, my health and random thoughts via Facebook. If you’re not a friend, please feel free to send a request.

Thanks again for all your awesomeness. You have all done so much to lift me up and keep me positive and focused. I <3 you!

Protected: Wondering whats going on?

Brandy — Thu, 28 Jul 2011 21:22:55 +0000

The sum of everything, minus some things…

Brandy — Wed, 13 Jul 2011 09:16:40 +0000

I haven’t really updated since the hospital stay, so I thought I’d take a few and write about all that’s been going on over the last few days.

If you’re here from Twitter or Facebook, you probably already know a little about what’s going on with my family back home in Texas (where I’m writing this post from) — basically, my stepmom fell ill about a month ago, while my dad was hospitalized for health conditions of his own. While the family rallied and tried to meet her needs at home, they quickly realized that she needed more than they could offer. Ultimately, they decided (with the help from her MD) to have her admitted to the hospital, so she could be transferred to a local rehab clinic that could meet her needs until something else could be arranged.

Unfortunately, it never got that far. Upon admittance, the required blood work revealed some health issues that no one was aware of (this aside from her already debilitating arthritis and her advancing cancer, which she was getting chemo for) — and within a few days, she was transferred to a larger hospital, where she entered ICU.

Since then, her health has deteriorated to the point that the family has now made the decision to move her to Hospice Care on Thursday.

So, Jerrett and I boarded a marathon plane adventure (I don’t think I can stress how much I loathe the Wright Amendment) and arrived in Texas this afternoon to spend some time with my family.

Those of you privy to protected posts won’t be surprised to learn that there are additional factors at play here as well — all of which I’ll share in a protected post at some point in the next few days, I’m sure (You’ll need to re-request the password now, which you can do via this form).

As for my health — I’m just not really sure where that stands at this point. So basically, I was in the hospital from Friday afternoon to just before noon on Sunday. The general consensus from the Dr.’s was that I had some sort of eating misadventure — apparently, I’ve forgotten how to eat and I ate to fast. Nevermind that I didn’t get sick until 7.5 hours after I had eaten my last meal. Nevermind that what I threw up didn’t contain food. Nevermind that, even with my extremely high tolerance for pain, this pain was bringing me to my knees and it was located right where my liver is.

Nope — the liver was fine. In fact, in keeping with the tradition at USC, it appears that I might even be healed! My liver, which is so damaged it only functions at about 15% and has historically been large since this all started over two years ago is now ‘normal looking’.

Yup — normal looking.

You wonder why I question them? That is why I question them.

But not to worry — they offered to have me meet with a dietician, so I can learn to eat again…so, those pesky, drop to your knees and curl in the fetal position pains I’ve been having should be all cleared up in no time.

Did I mention, I’m totally healed?!

Ugh.

I won’t even bore you with the pictures I posted on Facebook of the 16 attempts to stick me.

So, as you can guess — my stress level is pretty high. I’ve got a lot going on (some of which I didn’t even write about) and the pain I have in my normal looking liver? Well — I still have it.

I’m also writing this post on about 4.5 hours of sleep since Sunday morning — so if none of it makes any sense — someone please tell me so I can fix it after I’ve had some sleep…or a triple espresso with a No-Doz chaser.

Heading to BlogHer’11 in August

Brandy — Thu, 30 Jun 2011 21:19:55 +0000

The title says it all, really. I purchased my ticket at a time when things were a little less crazy in my life. My plan was to go and focus on building my brand, networking outside my core influence group and learn some tips and tricks to PR outreach.

I had hoped to focus more on my writing after we moved. I enjoy it and I generally have a lot to say — but things happened and as you can see, most everything I’ve written since we moved has been password protected because it’s just not stuff I want the world-at-large sniffing around.

It is, after all, my blog — I use it to write about personal stuff. Deep stuff. Like about my marriage falling apart, my husband leaving me and me being financially and emotionally dependent on him, even though we aren’t together.

Life just kind of sucks right now. So I’ve been writing about that.

That kind of writing doesn’t usually produce much in the way of content that PR folks are looking to capitalize on — and password protected posts? Well, you might as well just forget it.

Then, there is my ever-changing medical issues. If you read my post last week about my new Dr., then you read that he had high hopes for my condition and my future. However, if you were in my bedroom an hour ago while I was on the phone with his MA, you would have seen the tears streaming down my face over the news that they are ‘extremely concerned’.

Talk about highs and lows.

Which brings me back to life just kind of sucking right now — being alone, here, with no one to talk to and no one to hold me and tell me that it’s going to get better.

Especially when it’s not really looking so much like it will.

It all just sucks.

This blog post started with me writing about committing to go to BlogHer, even with the stuff I have going on and even with a blog that isn’t quite what I’d hoped it would be…but now, I think I’ve had one to many blows…I’m not sure I can do it…

I’m scared.

The end or something very much like it

Brandy — Tue, 07 Jun 2011 03:22:16 +0000

I just took that picture a few minutes ago.

So, here we are. The end.

John and I have decided to separate. Actually, John has decided to separate and I am not going to fight him. If his heart isn’t in it and he isn’t happy, I have to let him go — I have to let him be happy.

That is, quite possibly, the hardest sentence I have ever had to write.

We’ve decided against a traditional split. John is very much my best friend — I hope he will always be my best friend. I love him and I’m still trying to figure out what that means. Maybe, after a lot of thought today, this is the best.

I don’t know.

Bottom line — we’re calling it ‘quits’ in terms of our marital relationship. We want, very much, to remain very close and be friends. We want, very much, to continue to be a part of each others life and right now, I’m not totally sure what that means — but we’ve agreed, I’m here, he’s here, Jerrett’s here and we’re a family, separated or not.

We’ve got a lot of exploring, discussing and talking to do.

We’re no where near where we need to be, in terms of solidifying our future apart — but that’s where we’re headed.

In the mean time, he leaves on Thursday for an unknown period of time for his first hitch on the rig about an hour from here.

We’ve planned through at least that far…and we’re talking.

So, it’s the end — or something like it. It’s like the end and the potential birth of a really amazing friendship with my best friend — unencumbered by the complications we’ve both been dealing with for a very long time.

This could be a really beautiful thing…I think that’s what we both want and we’re both just about fucked up enough to make this stupidness work.

Be back in just over a week

Brandy — Mon, 23 May 2011 12:57:19 +0000

I know I didn’t blog much last week — I have good reason, I was packing and cleaning so that this week, I could relax in preparation for our move next week.

Yes folks, we made it. There are just a few days left until John comes home and then we start the mad dash of doing the few things left around the house, coupled with preparing to load the truck and drive to Bakersfield a week from today.

As for me? I did tons of work over the last week — all of which allows me the time to sit around, catch up on my ‘stories’ (haha) and relax with my feet up…because all that hard work I did packing? I’ve got to undo it all and unpack all over again, so a week-long rest period is in order.

I’ll be checking in on Twitter. You’ll still see me post on Facebook. But I’m not going to post on the blog — at least, I don’t have plans to.

So, wish us luck and I’ll see you in a little over a week.

Unless I see you on Twitter or Facebook…then you may not even realize I’m not here

Moving along, slowly

Brandy — Thu, 19 May 2011 13:51:47 +0000

So I thought I’d do a quick run down of what’s going on, since I can’t seem to form the coherent thoughts required to make sense of any one interesting topic. Not that I ever really make sense of any topic I write about — don’t get me wrong

John’s time away

John comes home next week. I am so excited! We were talking a few days ago about how hard this has been and we both decided that the hardest part (that was 110% avoidable, sadly) was the fact that three different people told us that there would be at least one opportunity for John to come home and visit and that simply just wasn’t the case. At all. I think, if we’d both gone into this knowing that it would really be more than 60 days until we got to see each other again, then we’d have started off with a different mentality. Instead, we were of the thought process that we’d be able to break up the separation into two parts, with a visit in the middle. Thankfully, for us, John had my laptop and we were able to web cam every day, just to stay in touch and be involved in each others lives. I’m not sure what other people did and I honestly wonder how many folks there had an expectation of going for a visit and ended up having real problems because it couldn’t happen.

Random adoption related nugget

I haven’t been sleeping well at all. This week has been no different. Yesterday, I laid down to take my morning nap and my phone rang. The caller ID said, “Unknown” and normally, when it says that, it’s my Dr., so I picked it up. Surprisingly, it was S, my daughters mother. She was calling because they had M at the Dr. for her annual physical and they wanted more information about my diagnosis so the Dr. would know what to look for and what to screen for so that she would have the benefit of early detection.

If anyone is keeping score — this is what open adoption is about. Right there. Medical information, freely exchanged, for the benefit of everyone involve — and while it’s true, I also had an open adoption — this particular aspect of open adoption seems to have escaped the minds of those involved. Had I had the benefit of full medical disclosure in my open adoption, I too could have been screened and reaped the benefits of early detection.

Instead, I’ll just die young. I sure hope the comfort of the adults around me was worth my life

The. Big. Move.

Tada! In two weeks, we’ll be all unloaded in our tiny little two bedroom apartment in Bakersfield. I’m both excited and scared. The new job will keep John away from home for two weeks at a time. I’ve been comfortable with that here, in my cozy and safe little corner of the world — but Bakersfield is just…new? Unknown? I don’t know. I’ve been feeding a lot of their news and naturally I’m trying to make concessions for the fact that certain types of stories sell — but it seems like there is a whole lot of crime and murder there. Maybe I’m wrong, I don’t know. I hope I’m wrong.

Then, well — we’ll be living close to family. People keep telling me that this is a good thing — I keep trying to believe them. I guess only time will tell. Right now, this is a a pretty big source of anxiety for me. We’ve already had at least one ‘minor issue’ come up and I’m sure there will be more — I guess I just need to give it time and see what happens.

What I really need to do is worry about it a little less.

Going back to work

I’ve been struggling with this. It’s hard for me not to contribute and at the same time it’s hard to imagine making a commitment to any job that would require me to work 8-5, Mon-Fri. So, I’ll be looking for freelance opportunities and hoping the right one falls into my lap. I’ve got a couple irons in the fire right now — so hopefully something will pan out.

Right now — my full time job is packing the house, doing the work that needs to be done and making sure everything is good to go on the other end.

We’re in pretty good shape. I’m pretty happy with how things are coming together.

Jumbo Shriemp and Pump Jacks

Brandy — Tue, 10 May 2011 03:53:55 +0000

I know I’ve posted about it.

If we’re friends on Facebook or Twitter, you’ve seen me complain about it.

But I don’t think you quite get the gravity of the situation…so I wanted to show you.

A few years ago, we went to visit Bakersfield for Thanksgiving. While we were there, we went driving around so John could show me the sights. He wanted to show me the Scenic Overlook Park or some crap — but on the way, we passed this restaurant and on the window, they had signage for their specials.

I had to actually stop, turn around and pull in. I was floored:

Yes, that says “Shriemp” right above where it clearly says “Shrimp” and I guess the proprietor decided it would be to costly to correct the mistake — so he left it as is. What you can’t really see in the picture, but is glaringly obvious in real-life, is the fact that the P, at the end of “Shriemp” has been forced into the space, so much so, that it’s deformed and misshapen.

It scares me.

But I digress – we were headed to the scenic overlook…which I was really excited about…until I saw the scene it overlooked…(You can click, they get bigger…but don’t say I didn’t warn you!)

Pump jacks as far as the eye can see…

Did I mention that John suggested I not use Gilbert as a measuring stick for the entire world? I’m not even sure Baghdad could give it a run for it’s money…

I’m scared…someone hold me

I’ve also been following Bakersfield News on Twitter — they sure kill a lot of people there…

A collection of random thoughts

Brandy — Tue, 26 Apr 2011 13:44:34 +0000

I was going to try to write about something deep this morning. I actually got a really great start on three awesome blog topics, but I couldn’t flesh any of them out and they all kind of seemed bleh as they were. So in lieu of giving you some really awesome adoption-focused ramblings to read this morning, I give you: The List Post

Mother’s Day is a little over a week away. I don’t celebrate. This year will be no different.
I woke up this morning, did some basic addition and subtraction and the end result was that I got a whole day as a reward. That’s right, a whole day. When I last did the math, I somehow came up with the wrong total number of days gone. This time, I came up with one day less and that means, rather than having to wait all the way till tomorrow to be ‘half way’ – I get to be half way today! How awesome is that!?
In my attempts to come up with something worthwhile this morning – I wrote about what I felt like as an adopted person growing up in a family that was very different from me. It was kind of sad to realize that so much of my potential was snuffed out before it even had a chance to blossom because of personality/nature differences.
I am a firm, firm believer in both nature and nurture and I don’t think it’s an ‘adoptee only’ issue. I have a lot of personal experiences with the concept, having grown up with my parents biological child in the home.
I sometimes struggle with the fact that I’m not sure I’d want to ‘do over’ the period in my life that lead to me making the decision to place Kiddo for adoption. I keep coming back to the “hind-sight” argument and the fact that I’d likely have a very different life than the one I have now. (Keep in mind, I’m talking only about my own experiences, not yours.)
I plan on writing about my varied reproductive experiences for Mother’s Day. Since I’ve decided to be open and honest, you should know that I’ve been through almost everything that a woman can go through – including an abortion.
I am prepared for the ‘well you killed one baby and gave one away – now God is punishing you’ comments that will, undoubtedly, flood the comment queue.
I wonder how many people automatically hate me now, simply because I disclosed that information without any back story.
This morning, I woke up sleeping across my bed and that made for a very discombobulated morning.
My list of stuff to get done is shrinking. So is the number of days left in this fun and exciting experience.
So, we’re coming to the end of National Donate Life Month – I suppose all of the ‘pro-life’ folks have registered to be organ/tissue donors so they can do their part in saving a life, right?

Well, I have a few things to get done today – so I need to shake a leg. Thanks for letting me get all of *that* off my chest – ugh. Maybe now I can actually *write* something!