A week or so ago when when KatjaMichelle tweeted about her first interaction with her new coworkers, we started talking about ‘coming out’ as a birth parent to people who may or may not be receptive. It’s a struggle many birth parents face when it comes to talking about family and children. How much do you share? How much is to much? How much is to little? Do I include my placed child? If I don’t, am I lying?
In her tweet, KatjaMichelle said shared that she had a child, but that he doesn’t live with her. True enough and certainly, a great way to ‘test the waters’.
Then this morning, I was getting ready to start my first day at my new job when Suz posted a new blog post: Hello Paranoia and Shame.
I could relate to that too. My own job search took a while and I’d like to think it had nothing to do with the fact that I made the decision to place my daughter for adoption.
As a birth mother, I’ve come up against a number of really awful stereotypes – some of the worst actually being perpetuated by people who claim to be educated about adoption and it’s myriad of issues. Naturally I was worried and scared about starting a new job and having to share this big piece of who I am.
I’m sure that came across loud and clear as well, because I felt like a nervous wreck all friggin day.
I didn’t intend on using my KatjaMichelle’s ‘line’ when I went to lunch with a group of ladies from my new job today – but that’s what I did and now I’m not sure how I feel about that.
Overall, the day was great. I really enjoyed spending time with my new coworkers and getting to know them. I look forward to tomorrow and hopeful, as I start to come out of my shell a little, I’ll open up more about myself.
Now if I can just figure out how to tell my story:
I’m a birth mother. Yes, it was hard. No, I can’t get her back. Yes, she knows who I am. Yeah, it pretty much sucked. It’s ok, you don’t have to be sorry.
Why is it so hard to say that out loud?
Birth parents are all around us…even my adoptive mother is a birth mother. She placed twins 14 years before adopting me.
I want to add – I have absolutely no reason to think that my being a birth mother is ‘unknown’ – several of my new coworkers have been reading my blog for a few weeks now – I just don’t know who all they are 
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Yay for a good first day. It’s so hard to say (at least for me) because while I’d LOVE to be able to leave it at what you’ve said above I’m always fighting the “must educate, address all stereotypes, and explain all nuances in one breath” I’m glad that according to your tweet no one was “all together horrified” I’m not sure if you’ve seen the comments on the post about this topic but my own uncertainty about my “line” comes from my sister… I’ll just paste in that part from the comments
“My sister actually really hates that my standard answer is “Yes but he doesn’t live with me.” She thinks being a mother who either lost custody or didn’t fight for custody or one that had her child removed is 1000x worse than being a mother who chose adoption. She thinks people will judge me more harshly than if I said “Yes but I placed him for adoption at birth” …of course she’s never had someone look at her with disgust asking how should could do such a thing.”
Overall i like that it answers their question and (usually) gives me time to get to know people before i have to fully “come out” but I dont like that it gives me so much time to worry about how to tell the rest of my story.
I dont think there is an easy answer…but if you find one let me know
So – I have this cousin, she had three kids with her third husband and when she left, she left them behind.
She’s gone on to party her arse off and have a good old time.
*She* was the knee jerk reaction I had when I said that.
“OH GOD THEY THINK I’M HER!”
Because, I guess, like your sister – I sort of feel that way too – but that’s kind of like telling an amputee, “Well, at least they cut your left off below the knee” – because I know what you mean. I’ve had that ‘look’ and the fine line between the two is, indeed, fine as hell.
I’ll keep posting and updating as this comes together. I don’t want to feel ‘shame’ or feel like I have to hide – but wow, I’m sure gun shy.
Today during the training a different new coworker asked the question and i decided to just say “yes” she asked how old and I answered that as well after a comment about me not looking old enough to have a nine year old son the conversation turned. I didn’t offer info about the living/adoption situation but I wasn’t asked…so why do I feel like a fraud?
So glad the first day went well!
I also sometimes said “he doesn’t live with me” when he was a minor. Now that he’s 25 it’s a moot point. Even with all the practice I’ve had in telling our story my heart still starts racing, etc. Will that ever end?
{{{{hugs}}}} I can’t imagine how it feels. Though I did watch Liam today go through a whole big explanation to the simple question “so do you have any brother’s or sisters?” Adoption really does suck and it crops up at the most unexpected times.
I think what happens for me when I find out someone is a birthparent or even adopted is that I don’t want to pry or make them feel like they have to share their story. It’s deep stuff and not everyone (even me) knows how to respond in the moment.
At any rate, as you know, I have only respect and awe for anyone who had to make the difficult a decision to place a child for adoption.
Further to the issue of awkward questions. My sister died when I was 19, and, as is the norm for everyone, people always ask how many siblings I have. I used to always say two (my brother and my deceased sister). But it got so difficult to explain all the time and made people so uncomfortable that I finally opted to say one. *sigh*
Well, the conversation happened yesterday.
It went better than almost any other ‘cold conversation’ I’ve ever had.
“So who does your daughter live with if you don’t mind me asking?”
I shared
She said, “Awesome, so you guys know each other and stuff?”
I shared.
She said, “That’s just awesome that you guys have a relationship. Awesome for everyone.”
So – overall, best conversation I’ve ever had about the topic with a stranger.
I am going to write up an entire post on it later this weekend. It really was pretty fantastic how it just seemed normal.
I think that’s kind of what I look for in a response – or hope for – normalization. It’s not “OMG!!!!1111″ and it’s not “I’m sorry…
” It just *is*. If that makes sense.
Anyway – thanks for commenting Harriet, it reminded me to come update.