The core concept to “The Secret”, a very popular self-help book, is that you control your own destiny by thinking thoughts that send you down a specific path, like the Law of Attraction. If you think the worst, you draw the worst close to you. If you think good thoughts, you’re surrounded by good things and good things will happen.
I’m not sure how I feel about this – I still haven’t read the book (Sorry, D.H.) and I don’t know if I will (Again, sorry).
What I do know is that the book is wildly popular and accepted by large portions of people who read it. They believe the concept that thinking and being subjected to ideas and thoughts can lead to a defined outcome based on those ideas and thoughts.
It’s no wonder adoption professionals call woman who are considering adoption, “birthmothers”.
You knew this was going to be adoption related, after my rant yesterday, yes?
Birthmother is a word that is exclusive to the adoption community and adoption industry. It is a word that, outside of adoption, doesn’t exist. Often, when I ask someone who missuses the word ‘birthmother’ in reference to pregnant woman considering adoption, the response I get is that it’s what they’ve learned from the professional they’re using.
“This is what our caseworker calls them, so this is what we call them”
“If I called her a mother or expectant mother, people wouldn’t know who I was talking about”
“The entire industry uses ‘birthmother’, I don’t see a problem with it”
I get frustrated, because they’re right and they’re wrong. They’re right in that this is what the industry uses and this is what professionals call woman considering adoption so it has become the accepted label used. But they’re wrong in their willingness to allow it to be accepted. We have the power to institute change, believe it or not.
When potential adoptive parents reach out to professionals, they start hearing the word ‘birthmother’ and they continue to hear it and use it throughout the process.
What would happen if professionals stopped using it? Do they fear it would result in fewer placements? That’s a scary thought, isn’t it? Because if the answer is no, then why won’t they do it? If the answer is yes, then why are they allowed to do it!?
Now, I go back to “The Secret” – what this emphasizes is that the laws of attraction draw from your mindset – if you think you’re successful, then you will be successful. If you think you’re a birthmother…then what?
I’m not saying I totally buy into the concept of The Secret – but I know a great many people do. The idea behind it is compelling,which makes the reason for using the language even more disturbing.
I’ve never been able to get an actual answer from anyone regarding the resistance to change. I’d love to have an open and honest dialogue regarding this important topic. I think it’s such a small change that can easily be adopted by professionals all across the United States and abroad to show their willingness to make adoption about adoption, rather than adopting.
I want this change for the women who will follow me – the ones who will be impacted the most by it.
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{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }
I have so many thoughts on this…but can’t go into it now, will have to wait till I am off work…but, one thing that sticks out in my mind is that I see the use of the word “birthmother” as a label that is attractive – it’s the new thing to do – ya know? Also, once your label someone “birthmother” – the expectant mother is “half way there”. I do think that if the adoption world were to be able to make the change to expectant mother, or mom to be, or… there would be fewer adoptions and fewer “birthmoms”..which, to me is a good thing…now if we could just get agencies out there to counsel women on how to keep thier children and give them resourses to help them keep thier children – to give them an chance to parent – that would be even better..wishfull thinking….ok, so much for “one thing” that sticks out in my my…back to work now..
Interesting topic! Throughout the years we were working on adopting, the term never seemed incorrect and it never occured to me that it may or may not be offensive to anyone (is it?). It wasn’t until I started following and reading open adoption blogs that the potential inappropriateness even came to mind (before I really only followed international adoption blogs). All that said, when we were in the process with our agency, the expectant mothers were always referred to as “potential birthmothers”. But now that I have an adopted son and know his birth parents as well as follow open adoption blogs, I find myself feeling that identifying them as “birth parents” is incorrect/inappropriate. That maybe the better/correct way is to call them “first parents”. Sorry if I’m rambling, its all new and confusing to me.
Brandy,
We’re sort of talking about this some on Facebook – since we’re not friends there, I’ll share with you what I shared with Michelle – she responded there as well and talked a bit about dynamics etc.
If Michelle wants to copy/paste her reply here, that’s cool
I have few opinions about what a woman is called after she places a child for adoption. I think that how she is identified in her own adoption relationship dynamic is something that should be openly discussed and agreed upon between the parties involved.
I also have few opinions about the validity of ‘mom’ without qualifiers for women who have placed a child for adoption. I think it’s personal and situational.
In both instances, it’s not one size fits all. It’s just not appropriate for me to dictate what someone else will be called in their interpersonal relationships, ya know?
Where my road forks is calling someone something it is impossible for them to be.
You can call her a pregnant woman considering adoption, an expectant mother heck – even a potential/possible birth mother (but I do have some reservations with the last two, likely because of the use of birth mother) but calling her a birth mother is wrong…because at that point in her pregnancy, she has yet to give birth…it’s not logistically possible for her to be a birth mother.
So, while it’s possible for a birth mother to be a mom without a qualifier or even the wretched tummy mommy – if that’s what everyone in the adoption relationship agrees on – it is not possible for a women who has yet to give birth to be a birth anything…
She could be a biological mother or a natural mother – a mother by biology or nature – but she is not a mother by birth…not yet, not if she’s pregnant
I realize I’m preaching to the choir – I’m thankful to have such wonderful adoptive parent friends who really do recognize the importance of connections for their children – you’re an amazing woman
(I’ll be binding this post for publication at a later date – sorry for the length everyone)
You are exactly right!!! The adoption industry will never quit using that name ~ they know that if they can get someone facing an unexpected pregnancy to feel that she is not the mother of the baby, that she is only a ‘b’ mom, they can coerce her to choose adoption. After the baby is born & given up, the term b mom is used to insinuate that the mother is no longer a mother at all to the child. So the adoptive parents can feel “as if the child was born to them” and the first mom no longer is a part of the child’s life. Even “potential birthmother” is offensive.
A mother considering adoption is just that ~ an expectant mother CONSIDERING adoption. IF adoption is chosen ~ she is still the child’s first mother, forever & always.
Susie