I had a dream on Friday night/Saturday morning that I think I’ll need to ‘get off my chest’ in order to get over the horror of it.
It started like this:
Before I went to sleep, I noticed I had a bit of breast tenderness. This isn’t totally uncommon for me right around my cycle, and I was getting close…so I knew that’s what was going on. But, breast tenderness (like, don’t touch me, ouch!) was the first ‘sign’ of pregnancy that I noticed when we had our loss in 2007. So naturally, I ‘went there’.
I go to sleep and I don’t really remember what lead up to the actual horrific part of the dream, I just remember being told I needed to take a pregnancy test, being handed one and going into the bathroom to complete my task.
So, I’m sitting there, all done, the test is sitting on the sink counter and the old man walks in and says, “Alright, let’s see what we got here” and he takes out a calculator and one of those big markers you can mark on glass with (like from that show Numb3rs) and he starts writing some random math problem on the mirror.
I’m trying to figure out what he’s doing while at the same time trying to look over his shoulder to see the results of my test when I discover, much to my horror, that the test display has some sort of complex mathematical equation in the little test results area.
He’s trying to do the math. I’m freaking out, because not only would pregnancy not be a good thing…I suck at math and no I don’t know how I’ll ever find out if I’m pregnant.
Anyway, the old man completes the problem and we get what we think is the answer (16, for those who are wondering) but we don’t know what it means. So what do we do? Well, we go to the internet of course.
He’s researching online, I’m asking all my friends on IM/via Twitter what the answer is or what it has to be to mean “yes” or “no” and everyone is giving me different answers…but the one that stuck with me was someone telling me that 15 means I’m most defiantly not pregnant and 16 means I totally am – maybe.
I’m freaking out because I can’t understand how one tiny little number can make such a huge difference.
I keep looking down at the pregnancy test, which by the way, has gotten HUGE at this point, because it seems like the math problem is growing, and I don’t know what to do.
Anyway – I suspect this all comes from my real fear of getting pregnant, the fact that my son is turning 16 this year and the endless laughing at the digital pregnancy test commercials, which indicate women can’t read pregnancy tests…*sigh*
As for a medical update, I’m doing ok. My numbers are falling, some. I still haven’t gotten to that 10% that the Dr. was talking about last week, but the fact that their falling is good enough for him I guess.
We haven’t talked at all about what I can expect next. He seemed pretty frustrated by this setback.
I’m back to visiting the lab only twice a week. I like that better. My next visit to the Liver Disease Center is Monday the 26th.
I go to the dermatologist on Monday (tomorrow) to try to get a handle on this eczema issue.
All in all – I’m hanging in there. I may look like a zombie, but I hear that look is totally in 
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My dream last night was about shopping the clearance aisles at Target. Clearly you are a much deeper person than I.
Good luck with the doc appts that await you.