Open Adoption Blogger Interview Project

I’ve been blogging for a while now – but rarely, do I blog about adoption – or more specifically, Open Adoption. However, when Heather decided to do an Open Adoption Interview Project, I couldn’t help myself, I had to participate.

I was matched with Harriet, who blogs about the open adoption she has with her son’s first family at See Theo Run. I was excited to read and learn about the Open Adoption experience she has had thus far and submitted questions that, I hoped, would help us learn more about their journey.

Below are the interview questions and answers from Harriet:

1) When you started your journey towards adopting, did you know you wanted an open adoption or was that something that came to you after working with a professional?

We wanted an open adoption from the start. We wanted him (or her) to know where he came from and have as much information about his identity as possible. I grew up during a time when most adoptions were closed and have heard first-hand how strongly adoptees wanted to know about their own biological, cultural, family heritage, even if just to answer the question: “Who do I look like?” or “Where did I get my personality from?” As someone born to my family, our personality quirks and looks are constant source of conversation, and I did not want to deny my child access to this important information.

Other more practical concerns included medical or psychological issues that may have genetic components. Just the other day, we met Theo’s birth-grandmother on his father’s side who told us about half of her family has dyslexia. If Theo has trouble reading, we will know what to test for. But ultimately, we both realized that while the open adoption relationship is highly emotional and difficult at the beginning, it’s much harder to open a closed adoption later on, and the vast majority of adoptees, like all people, want to know where they came from.

2) Can you tell us a little more about your open adoption relationship? Do you have a binding agreement? What does your OA relationship consist of (visits, letters, phone calls)? Do you have a more ‘free floating’ relationship or is it more structured?

We do not have a formal agreement. The relationship is fluid, and we’re only just getting to know how it will evolve over time. I think we understand that the relationship is important for all of us, in particular for our son.

As background, we were selected to become Theo’s adoptive parents after they read our homestudy and bio, which were in the care of our adoption agency. We met the birthparents – both young teenagers–  and their parents two months before Theo was born. They live in a suburb of Vancouver, so we are in easy driving distance. In fact, we had four visits with various members of the family before Theo was born, and even had movie and dinner with the birthparents, which was a very surreal experience. Since Theo was born (almost 8 months ago), we’ve had about ten visits with various members of the family, the majority of which occurred in the first two months. We’ve now settled on visits every three months at the birthmom’s family home. We have now met Theo’s birthparents, who are still a couple; all of their siblings (four on her side and two on his side); and both of their parents. We may know more about his family than our own! I also send weekly email updates (a paragraph and a photo), something that I may or may not continue based on the birthmom’s needs. Many people have said that weekly updates are a lot to ask but I see it as a great way for me to keep on top of Theo’s developments over time. And the truth is I genuinely care about his birthmom; I want her to be happy with her decision and know that her son is well loved and cared for.

3) If you could change one thing about the open adoption you have with Theo’s birth family members, what would it be and why?

While our adoption is “open,” the birthfamily are not open about the pregnancy and adoption placement. The family was worried about the birthmom’s reputation and future. She was very young and is exceptionally bright. She will almost certainly get a scholarship to pursue her university studies. This element means I often alter information slightly about them on my blog and in conversation, as I don’t want her to be identified. We all know how devastating secrecy can be, and I would hate to think she feels any kind of shame over the pregnancy or later regret over the adoption. Of course, these are things I have no control over, and she has her own journey to travel. I also find the sheer number of family members involved difficult to handle and sometimes wish with was just the birthmom and us so we could get to know her a bit better. So far our meetings have been emotionally difficult yet hectic as there are generally lots of people running around.

4) How often does ‘adoption’ come up in your daily life?

I think about it a lot in that I wonder how we will introduce the topic of adoption and his two families to our son. He is too young to understand his situation right now but we need to discuss how we will talk about it with his birthparents.

When I am out on public with Theo, people sometimes ask if he was adopted but not that often, and almost never if I am with my husband who has dark skin. My friends and family occasionally ask how things are going with the birthfamily as this relationship was difficult at the beginning and I talked about it a lot. I am much more private about it now.

Theo is so young that he has not encountered any comments directly so in a sense ‘adoption’ may play a bigger role later on. We’ll see.

But all in all, because we adopted him at birth, and our extended families adore him, and he is so ridiculously healthy and developmentally on track, we think of him primarily as our gorgeous, very active (!), happy son.

5) If there was one piece of advice you could give to parents hoping to adopt, what would it be and why?

Be 100% committed to adoption and make sure this is true your heart, and you are not secretly wanting to give birth. When you’re ready to begin, tell people about your decision; put your wishes out to the universe. Then be prepared for an emotional rollercoaster ride that will require patience, perseverance, faith in the process and trust in your instincts but will make you a stronger, more loving human being.

I can say with absolute certainty that the love you will feel for your child will be as great as any other great love. There is no way we could love a child more than we love my son.

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To read more interviews, you can see the line up on Heather’s blog post, Open Adoption Interview Project – March 2010.

To read my answers to interview questions, you can do so by checking out Harriet’s blog post, Open Adoption Bloggers Interview Project.

If you’re involved in open adoption and looking for support, you’ll find it on OpenAdoptionSupport.com – an online community developed to support those involved in open adoptions and help those considering open adoption in the future.

Related posts:

1. Words Sharp As Swords in Adoption
2. How Much Is To Much To Tell?
3. If My Life Were More Exciting…