Well, obviously, based on my health, I know what I need to do – but I am still very much on the fence about what I should do regarding this contact info I have for my half sister in Texas.
Sending the MySpace.com message was easy – she hadn’t logged in for almost a year – the fear of rejection wasn’t as strong, because I knew there was a 50/50 chance she’d never see my message – which strongly reduced the odds of rejection down to about 25%. I admit, rejection scares me.
I had almost decided I wouldn’t write about this at all, but I think I’ve now convinced myself that it’s almost totally related to my current medical condition – because I know for a fact, had my Dr. not given me a 20 minute rant session on the merits of my sucking it up and doing whatever I needed to do to get the information for him, I wouldn’t have done it – to scared.
Anyway, the contact on MySpace has, thus far, gone unchecked – as I suspected it would – and now I need to decide what my next step will be.
I can:
- Send a message to her son (my half-nephew) who is one of only two friends listed on her MySpace
- Send a message to her daughter in law (her son’s wife) who is the other friend listed
- Scrap that all together and send a letter, via snail mail, to the address I have for her.
I have a phone number, but I would NEVER in a million years, use it. Not for first contact. Not to call someone who has no idea I exist. Never.
If I were to message her son or his wife, I wouldn’t do so in a way that would ‘out’ my connection – I would simply say I was a friend of the family who had sent a message to her via MySpace and wondered if she still had access and if not, was there a better way to contact her?
But then, there is that fear of rejection again. The kids check MySpace daily – they’d surely get the message and even if they didn’t know who I was and contacted her to let her know of my message – that changes my odds – and that’s a fear. Like it or not, it’s a fear.
Why did I decide to write this today?
My Dr. called me this evening – my numbers are back up to where they were when they admitted me in August. I explained to him that I had been sick last week and as a result, I had taken some meds (all of which he said I was free to take at the previous visit, because I had concerns) and he said that was the likely cause of my increase – but now I’m back to every 2 days in the lab and I’ve been given 2 weeks to get it under control (meaning, my steroid dosage has been increased, which means my swelling will increase, which means I’m not going to be feeling well) or I’m going to have to be admitted – for fear that I’ll go into full liver failure, something that you can’t come back from if it isn’t caught soon enough…
This, of course, explains the newest residents on my face and the yellowing on my trunk…something I didn’t notice until this morning.
So – I guess, all this to say, I need to find the strength to get past this fear of rejection and send the letter. That really *is* the only real option here…and I just can’t get over this fear that is gripping me.
By the way – the letter? It’s been done for two weeks now. How’s that for pathetic? Pretty bad, huh?
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{ 2 comments… read them below or add one }
That is not at all pathetic. Stupid rock, stupid hard place. Brandy, I wish there was something I could do and if there is, please let me know. You are in my thoughts.
I’m so very sorry for what is very clearly a hard time. My advice would be that if you’re going to throw yourself out there anyways, just do it all and get it over with. Send the msg to the son and the daughter in law the same day that you pop that letter in the mail. Yes, it’s very emotionally challenging, but so is questioning your own judgment and wondering what you should do. So sorry, but so grateful that you have their info. Hang in there.